


if i didn't have you

by 5timesforreal



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Break Up, Brief Yakawa, Confused Oikawa Tooru, Declarations Of Love, Falling Out of Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, IwaOi Week, Kisses, Letters, Love, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Pining Iwaizumi Hajime, Post-Break Up, Rejection, Sad Ending, Slow-burn? not really, Sorry Not Sorry, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, no one dies, or Oihaba idk, recollections, soft fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:41:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29626491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5timesforreal/pseuds/5timesforreal
Summary: “Please don’t leave me.”“Goodbye, Iwa-chan.”Iwaizumi is tired. He needs to vent, get his feelings for Oikawa out.So he writes a letter to him. Then he writes a few more.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	if i didn't have you

**Author's Note:**

> And here you guys go. Fair warning, this is an angsty fanfic. There is fluff, but it's mostly angst. So in advance, Imsosorrypleasedontkillme.
> 
> If you understood that, please regard it. I cried while writing this so...
> 
> ENJOY!!
> 
> (Also! Follow my [twitter](https://twitter.com/5timesforreal) for more updates on stories, thoughts, artwork, and more!)

_ 18/08/12 _

_ Oikawa, _

_ I don't know why I'm writing this. I mean, why would I write this letter? It's not like you're ever going to see this anyways. Maybe I just need a way to let out everything, yeah that's it. I just need to blow off some steam. _

_ I confessed to you today. I told you that I liked you, and I let out everything good and great I had to say about you, albeit some insults too. I had too, it wouldn't be the same talking to you if I didn't bring your ego down just a little bit. Ha. I thought everything was going smoothly, you did seem confused, and your eyes flashed with some emotion at times, but I thought it was going well. Hell, I thought you were going to give me that lopsided smirk like you always do and tell me you liked me too. _

_ If you did, maybe I wouldn't be sitting in my room, alone, writing this sad excuse for a letter. _

_ Maybe we would be together, on our first date. I was gonna bring you to the arcade just down the street from my house, you know the one. It's the one we always used to go to as kids. I remember how you would rush straight to the claw machine, eyes wide in delight and this toothy smile on your face. You'd ask me for a ticket all the time and you would try and capture this one plushie owl, yet you would fail every time. We'd stay by that machine for hours, until I had to drag you back home because it'd be so late. You always pouted and complained the entire time we walked home, but that attitude would be gone the next day and you'd show up at our meeting place with that toothy grin and a wave, then you'd call me that stupid nickname again. It was a cycle, everyday after volleyball we would go together. _

_ After our first date, I was going to give you that owl plushie you always wanted. I went to the arcade a few weeks ago and they had it restocked in the machine. It took me a hell of a long time and lots of money to win it but I did. I did that for you. _

_ It was all a waste. _

_ Fuck, I can't forget how you looked at me when I was done confessing. You looked so surprised, and your eyes reflected that easily, and something else too. When you rubbed your neck in an embarrassed way, I knew it was over. You always did that whenever you rejected your fangirls confessions. That's when I knew you didn't return the same feelings. My suspicions were correct when you uttered one sentence, and my world came crashing down around me. _

_ "I'm sorry Hajime. I can't accept your feelings," _

_ I understand, kind of. Maybe you just see me as your best friend, a platonic soulmate. Hell, I don't even know if you're into guys. I assumed you were, because of the flirting, sly winks and the occasional look sent my way all the time. Guess I was wrong. _

_ The funny thing is, I still like you. My feelings haven't changed in the slightest, and it's pissing me off. I don't want to like you anymore. I don't want my heart to beat faster every time I see your smile. I don't want to feel the urge to brush the bangs away from your eyes every time they settle on your forehead. I don't want to feel this way anymore because if I keep it up, I'll get hurt. By you. _

_ I don't want to get hurt, yet my heart doesn't seem to care. My heart beats for you, Tooru. Only you. _

_ Yours (unfortunately), _

_ Iwaizumi _

_ 01/09/12 _

_ Oikawa, _

_ It’s almost been a month since I’ve confessed to you, and I still regret it. I still resent myself for it. Even though you said it wasn’t a problem, even though you still hangout with me and walk with me to school and still call me that stupid nickname. I regret it and I wish I never confessed. I can see the hesitation in your eyes, and I can see the unnatural stretch in your smiles. You used to only give those smiles to fans, opponents, and even some of our teammates. But never to me. _

_ That’s the only smile I get out of you nowadays. _

_ If I could take back one thing in all of our years of friendship, it would be that one moment of vulnerability I had with you. If I just had kept my mouth shut, maybe we would still be best friends. Sure, I’d still be pining over you and the pain of not having you in my arms would increase but at least I would still be close to you. That’s all I want, Tooru. _

_ I just want to be close again. Because I can feel you drifting away from me, slowly but surely.  _

_ It’s a nasty feeling. Having the one person who you thought, KNEW, was going to be your constant, and yet they drift further away, soon to be forgotten. It’s so awkward between us now, I can barely joke around with you anymore. You rarely call me Iwa-chan even. We really are growing farther from each other, aren’t we? I don’t want that to happen to us at all Tooru. All jokes aside, I just want my best friend back. _

_ Even if I have to choke down my feelings every time you look at me with those big, brown eyes. Even if I have to physically hold back my urge to caress your face everytime you pout or look thoughtful. I will do anything, ANYTHING, to have you back like before. _

_ I long to tell you this. I wish I could, but I’m scared. I’m scared that you’ll look at me like that again, I’m scared you’ll reject my wishes a second time. Fuck, I’m so scared of losing you. _

_ I don’t want to lose you. _

_ Yours (unfortunately), _

_ Iwaizumi _

  
  


_ 24/12/12 _

_ Oikawa, _

_ My third letter, addressed to you. Always to you. Fuck. _

_ It’s almost Christmas, and the new year. They say with each year that comes and goes, new beginnings and opportunities always appear as well. Will that be true for us? Will we get a new beginning? One where we start again, where I never confess and where we’re just friends?  _

_ A new beginning where you don’t have that boy always beside you. Yahaba Shigeru. Our reserve setter. _

_ I want to ask you so many questions. Where did he come from? What is he to you? Why are you always laughing with him? Why are you spending more time with him? Do you like him? Why, why, why, why, why? _

_ Why are the smiles you give him genuine, happy ones? Why do I get the leftovers, the fake, tryhard ones? _

_ These questions run through my mind daily, Oikawa. Do you know how tiring it is? Do you know how it feels to see your best friend, your first love, be with another boy? Of course you don’t. Because you don’t care about me, at least not in the way that I do. _

_ I don’t even know if you care anymore. _

_ We barely talk anymore. You stopped waiting for me at our meeting place to walk to and from school a couple weeks ago. I remember walking there, hoping, praying that you’d be there to greet me with a wave and that big, fake smile. I remember my gut feeling telling me that something wasn’t right, but I brushed it off. To ignore that uneasy feeling, I set my mind to one thought, and I kept repeating that thought in my head like a mantra. _

_ You would always come back to me, and I would always come back to you. It was a cycle we had repeated our whole lives. _

_ But when I didn’t see your tall figure leaning against the lamppost, my heart broke a bit more. I waited, Tooru. I waited and waited until I was late for school, and then until I was late for homeroom. I thought that maybe you had slept in, and that you were rushing to our lamppost. I waited with false hope in my heart. When 30 minutes passed, my heart stopped for a second. A piece of my soul fell down, down, down, into a bottomless pit. Never to be recovered. _

_ I waited for you, Tooru. I waited so long, and you never showed. Why didn’t you come to the lamppost? _

_ As I write this letter on the cafeteria table, alone, I see you with Yahaba. You’re talking so animatedly, hands waving around to try to illustrate a point. I see Yahaba say something and you laugh, throwing your head back as a beautiful sound releases itself from your chest.  _

_ It hurts, because I used to make you laugh like that. _

_ Mattsun and Makki are coming over now, I can see the discomfort on their faces. I have to go. _

_ Yours (unfortunately), _

_ Iwaizumi _

  
  


_ 30/01/13 _

_ Oikawa, _

_ You’re the most confusing and inconsistent individual I have ever met. Why? Because my feelings towards you haven’t changed, and you know that, yet now you’re flirting with me. FLIRTING. A complete 180 mood change from how it was just a month ago. What happened to avoiding me every day? What happened to hanging around Yahaba everyday? What happened, Oikawa? _

_ You drive me insane. You drive me mad; absolutely and utterly mad. Your mood switches from avoiding me purposefully one day to slinging your arm around my shoulder the minute you see me the next day. It’s terrible, and the worst part of it? _

_ It just makes me want you a little bit more. I don’t want to want you anymore. _

_ I have one question. Where’s Yahaba? Just a couple weeks ago, you were hanging out with him, walking home from school with him. Then the next day, you didn’t even go near him. You didn’t spare a glance towards him, Oikawa. I was so confused, hell, I’m still confused. Even Hanamaki and Matsukawa are confused! They noticed how you didn’t hang out with me as much a month or so ago and how now you’re paying more attention to me instead of Yahaba. They’ve been bombarding me with questions, but I can’t tell them anything except for vague answers or simple “I don’t know”’s _

_ I can’t tell them that I fucked up our friendship. I can’t tell my two closest friends that I like you. _

_ All I want to know is why? Why are you doing this, why are you playing with my feelings? Don’t you realize that I’ve been trying to get over you, to forget everything you make me feel? It gets harder and harder the longer you do this, the longer you send me mixed feelings and ignite false hope in my heart again. I can’t do it anymore, Tooru. Please, spare me.  _

_ You’re tearing me apart, piece by piece. Do you realize what you’re doing to me? Do you see the blood on your hands everytime you rip off a piece of me with one glance, one innocent touch? _

_ Do you see the damage done? Or do you deliberately ignore it? Do you enjoy breaking me apart? Are you having fun? _

_ I know I’m not. _

_ Yours (unfortunately),  _

_ Iwaizumi _

  
  
  


_ 14/02/13 _

_ Oikawa, _

_ You bastard. You absolutely insane, maddening, addictive monster. You just don’t get it, do you? _

_ I’m trying to get over you, Oikawa. You can’t just kiss me and then act like it was the most natural thing to do. Especially on Valentine’s Day. Why would you play with me like that? The flirting was enough, but this? This was one whole new level of fucked up. _

_ I seriously think you enjoy seeing me in pain. I mean, why else would you kiss me? You know I like you. You know I’d do anything for you, and yet you still do that? Don’t give me that false hope. Don’t make me want you again. It’s too much. _

_ My mind is stuck on that stupid fucking kiss. I can’t get it out of my head. No matter how much I hate you for doing that, I can’t deny that it was everything I wanted and more. It was at the most random time too. _

_ You came over to my house, uninvited, and went up to my room. I wasn’t there, I had to go to the store for some groceries. But when I came back and saw you sitting on the edge of the bed, big, brown eyes trained up at me as you smiled quietly, I almost walked right back out. I couldn’t handle the sight of you there, just looking up at me. I wanted to scoop you up into my arms and give you the biggest hug ever. But I didn’t, I just stood there, frozen. I remember how my mind was racing with so many questions, yet my lips couldn’t form them. It was weird experiencing it, the effect you have on me. Then, before I could even move, you stood up and walked towards me until you were only a few inches away. The honey accents in your eyes were so clear, they shined. Quite literally shined. It was ethereal, angelic, otherworldly. _

_ Then you kissed me. A soft, slow kiss that started a chain of chemical reactions within me. The moment your lips touched mine, I swear I could feel sparks. I can still remember the feeling, the warm breath on my face as you pulled away to breathe, the soft noise you made when I kissed you back. I remember it all so vividly. It was a dream, my dream. I had been waiting for that moment for months, for years. _

_ When I pulled away, mainly from breathlessness, your face was flushed. It was so red and bright, and your eyes held a new glow to them, a more suggestive one. It winded me, all the breath came out of my body when you looked at me that way. My heart was beating out of my chest and all I could think about was the way your hair fell into your eyes and how you gave me a real smirk. Not those fake ones, this one was real. I could tell. _

_ I was so happy, but everything settled in when you patted me on the arm and left. You just left me there, Tooru. A couple hours ago, all I could think about was why. Why would you leave me? Did you just do that accidentally? Was it all a mistake? _

_ And now I know, it wasn’t a mistake. There’s only two possible solutions to why you kissed me. The first one being that you enjoyed messing around with me and my heart. You enjoyed seeing me so vulnerable, like putty between your hands. You loved twisting me this way and that, enjoying every moment of torture as I just stood there, giving my heart to you. If this was the correct one, then you’re sick. You’re a sick person and I wish I had never met you. _

_ The second solution would be, for whatever reason, you actually like me back. You actually do like me, and you want to be with me. But if that’s the right one, then why did you leave? You know I like you, you know that if you had asked, I would’ve said yes without hesitation. I would do anything for you, Tooru. Hell, if you barged through my door at this moment and yelled at me to run away with you, I wouldn’t ask questions. I’d go with you, as long as you’re by my side. _

_ Because what would I do without you? _

_ I love you, Oikawa. I love you. I’ll scream it into the void because you’re not here to hear it. I love you, and it pains me to admit it because I don’t even know if you love me back.  _

_ I feel conflicted because one part of me wants to embrace this love with everything I have and the other part wants to shun it, to shove it deep down so I can forget about it. I’m so tired of being conflicted. I just love you, okay? I’m scared of admitting it, but it’s the truth. _

_ I love you. _

_ Yours (unfortunately), _

_ Iwaizumi _

  
  


_ 21/03/13 _

_ Oikawa, _

_ Today was our graduation day. Honestly, it was a bittersweet thing. It was sad seeing all of the people I’ve known almost my entire life cry and give hugs, knowing they won’t see each other for a very long time, if at all. Seeing Matsukawa and Hanamaki tear up and get all slobbery as they hugged me, you, and each other was one of the saddest parts of the day. I couldn’t imagine living without those two idiots. _

_ The worst part of the day would have to include you though. _

_ It was already a tough day. Seeing everyone for the last time, knowing that most of us were going to different universities or countries even. Receiving our certificates and diplomas was like the final goodbye to our teenage years. It was terrible. But having you sit beside me the entire time, crying on my shoulder and going on and on about how you weren’t ready to say goodbye to everyone was terrible. I longed to hug you, to tell you that it wasn’t going to be forever, to tell you that I was always going to be by your side always. I wanted to comfort you, because it was a wretched day today, but I couldn’t. I could only let you sob quietly on my shoulder while my hand shook with the urge to hold yours. _

_ Everything became worse when you told me you were going to go to Brazil though. I remember it all so clearly. _

_ After the ceremony, you had pulled me away from Hanamaki and led me to a secluded corner in the school. I was so confused, you never really talked to me privately anymore. The last private time we had together was the last time you kissed me. I’ll always remember that kiss.  _

_ After you pulled me into the corner, you distanced yourself away from me so you leant against the wall. Your arms crossed and you lowered your head, looking lost in thought. I waited a couple minutes before asking why you had brought me here. You didn’t answer, but I heard a loud yet nervous gulp come from you before you lifted your head. I was surprised, because your mask had broken. The cool exterior that was always Oikawa Tooru had cracked and fell away to show the sad, insecure Oikawa Tooru. The real one.  _

_ Your face was red and blotchy from crying before, eyes filled with unshedded tears and I saw that a few had escaped. You were so tense, your eyebrows were scrunched together and you looked so scared, so broken. My heart whined, ached, to hold you, to ask what was wrong. But all I could do was stare in disbelief. It was only a few minutes later when you opened your mouth, voice breaking, as you spoke words that made time stop, _

_ “I’m moving to Brazil.”  _

_ The world stopped spinning and my breath stopped with it. I couldn’t believe it, I still can’t believe it. Brazil? You kept speaking, saying it was for volleyball and that you needed to go there to further your career. The tears in your eyes were flowing now, and you got smaller and smaller as you spoke. Your voice kept breaking, the threat of waterworks looming closer and closer as your words binded around me, suffocating me. I just stared at you in shock as a few tears started forming in my own eyes. I couldn’t imagine a life without you, Oikawa. I couldn’t imagine you moving across the world, to a completely different continent.  _

_ Before I knew it, I was walking towards you. You looked up at me, confusion and sadness in your eyes, and this only made my actions more purposeful. I scooped you up in my arms, hugging you harder and harder while I rested my face in the crook of your neck as tears flowed freely from my eyes. I cried with you. It took a few seconds, but you hugged me back softly, and then harder as you let the grief consume you. You slid down the wall and I gathered your tall frame up in my arms again as we sat on the floor together, tears mixing and hushed sobs coming together.  _

_ We stayed like that for a while, clinging on to each other with the idea of never letting go. The words you spoke were like chains caging my heart, squeezing out the life and blood with every tear I cried. Eventually, but not soon enough, everything was quiet. The only sounds that could be heard were the occasional hiccups and hitching of breath as we both recovered from our shared breakdown. I pulled away, and my heart broke to see your blotchy face. Tear streaks stained your skin and your lips were chapped from crying so hard. Your hands clung to mine in a vice grip, I could feel your nails digging into my hands as you squeezed as hard as you could.  _

_ I didn’t mind. _

_ I looked at your red-rimmed eyes, so broken and tired, and all I could think about was about how much I want you to stay.  _

_ My heart broke when you hiccuped a breath as I kissed away the few tears still on your face. I gave in to my desires and held your face softly, carefully between my hands, scared you would break. You were like precious china, too beautiful and fragile to even think about mishandling. Your hands moved up to grab onto mine, loosely but with the idea of staying together. _

_ I couldn’t handle it anymore, Tooru. You looked so vulnerable, so sad. I had to do it, I had to kiss you.  _

_ So I did. _

_ I moved tentatively, my eyes trained on yours the whole time. When I was a couple centimeters away from your lips, your eyes started closing on their own. Your sweet breath fanned my face as you opened your mouth slightly, an invitation. I caved and accepted it wholly. It was a slow, endearing kiss, focused on giving love and being as kind as possible. You immediately kissed me back, and our lips danced. It was a bit awkward, a clumsy waltz with stepped on toes and forgotten movements, but I thought it was perfect. I can still feel the tingle of your lips on mine hours later. _

_ We stayed there for a while, switching between hugging and exchanging small pecks. We talked, we let everything out. I told you everything, about how I still loved you, how I never stopped loving you and how I’ve always wanted to hold you like this. Your eyes widened when I mentioned the L-word, but they softened again as you grabbed my hand sweetly and said: _

_ “I’ve always loved you, Hajime. It just took me awhile to figure out that it wasn’t platonic, it was romantic.” _

_ That moment was probably my most favorite moment in my entire life. It was so amazing, hearing those words from you. I remember being shocked, frozen for a bit until the words sunk in. Then I realized that you just accepted my confession, almost 8 months later. I was ecstatic, to say the least. I’m pretty sure my smile outshone yours at that moment, which should’ve been impossible. We both were happy, finally happy with each other. I grabbed you and pulled you in for one more kiss, a fast yet full of feeling one that demonstrated everything I couldn’t say. Once you pulled away, I couldn’t stop kissing you everywhere, your cheek, nose, forehead, neck, everywhere. You couldn’t stop giggling and laughing, and I found myself wanting to hear that sound more and more, I wanted to make you laugh like that for the rest of our lives.  _

_ It was a beautiful moment, a moment where we both were finally truthful to ourselves. _

_ And as I sit here in my room, you’re sleeping on my bed. You look so peaceful, the forehead lines that are always tensed have finally smoothed out, you’re letting out soft snores and- you’re drooling on my pillow? Oh well. _

_ I can’t help but think, earlier today was the happiest moment of my life. I smile just thinking about it, I mean, how could I not? I have the most gorgeous boy in the world sleeping in my bed right now.  _

_ You’re so beautiful, Tooru. Truly an otherworldly being. Nothing could compare to you. Absolutely nothing. _

_ But, I can’t help but think about you leaving soon. At the beginning of August is when you leave, you said. It seems so far, yet it’s only a measly four months away. I only get four months with you until we’re separated by lands and an ocean so wide it covers the horizon. I don’t want to think about it. I can’t bear to think about the idea of not having you with me, in my arms.  _

_ So I won’t think about it. I’ll just shove those thoughts to the back of my brain, until the time comes when I have to deal with them again. I know one thing for sure though, Trashykawa. _

_ I’m going to make these last four months the best four months of your life. I promise you. _

_ Yours (forever), _

_ Iwaizumi _

  
  


_ 13/05/13 _

_ Oikawa, _

_ It’s been two months since my last letter to you. Two unforgettable months I’ve gotten to spend with you. It’s been everything I’ve dreamed of and more. Yes, I’m usually in classes most of the day, but every day I come home to find you waiting for me. Whether that’d be you in the kitchen, making dinner and humming a song, or you watching TV, your legs curled up underneath you and your chin resting on your hand. It’s so domestic, so natural. And every day, I greet you with a ‘hello dumbass’ and a kiss on your cheek or forehead, or even on your lips. It’s a routine I’ve gotten used to and one that I look forward to. _

_ We went on our sixth date the other day, to the beach. It was a really hot day so I thought, why not? It was amazing, the water was cool, the air was fresh, and you looked way too good in your swim shorts. Not my fault, you’re literally just too hot for your own good. We even did a one-vs-one against each other in beach volleyball, and you joked that this will prepare you for Brazil. I smiled, though I’m sure it didn’t reach my eyes.  _

_ I honestly haven’t thought about you going to Brazil that much. But I was reminded about the upcoming day when you’d leave. _

_ August 6th. That’s when you were told to leave.  _

_ I try not to think about it because it only hurts me more if I do. Yet, the thought is always there, lingering in the back of my head. It scares me, because I don’t know what’s going to happen after that. I don’t know how I’ll react - how I’ll survive - without you. I need you, Oikawa. I need you by my side because I’m your pillar and you’re my rock. I really don’t want you to leave. But I know you have to. _

_ Volleyball is your life after all, and I’m glad that you let me walk with you while you live your life. _

_ Just, when you leave, please don’t forget me. Remember me, okay Tooru? Remember how I made you feel, how my kisses and embraces feel. Remember everything about me and don’t forget anything. _

_ I’ll never forget you.  _

_ Yours (forever), _

_ Iwaizumi _

  
  


_ 06/08/13 _

_ Oikawa, _

_ You left earlier today. It’s almost 4 in the morning here and I can’t sleep without you. I stopped crying only a couple hours ago, so my eyes still hurt and I’m currently squinting while trying to write this letter. _

_ Maybe writing about what happened at the airport will make me feel better? Maybe, let’s give it a try. _

_ I drove you to the airport this morning, it was silent between us and the radio music wasn’t enough to lift the tension. You didn’t glance my way, not even once. You only looked out the window with this blank expression on your face. What were you thinking about that made you look so thoughtful, yet so bothered? Were you thinking about me? Us? I wish I asked. _

_ Once we parked and got in line for security, the dread that was always looming near us was fully upon us, the weight of leaving. I could feel the sadness in the air, and more importantly, within myself. With every step we took in the line, my soul teared a bit more. I knew we were heading towards the inevitable end of 4 months together, and it wasn’t a good thought. I wish I held your hand while we were in line, it would’ve made me feel a little bit better, I think.  _

_ Walking to your gate was even worse, because in just a few minutes I knew we would be saying goodbye to each other for a very long time. It was terrible, because I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I felt so helpless, watching as the gate came closer and closer to us with each step. Once it was right in front of us, you stopped suddenly and dropped your bags. I didn’t have time to ask what was wrong before you launched yourself at me, closing the few steps between us with a simple jump. You grabbed on to me and clung to me, pulling me in closer to your chest. I could feel the small sobs racking your body, Tooru. I could feel the tears slide from your cheeks and into my hair. It’s okay, I was crying too. I remember burying my head into your neck, inhaling the mint and sage smell that I had grown used too for the last time. We stayed like that for what seemed like forever, but I didn’t mind. I could hear your heart, it was beating the same tune as mine. Hard and fast, as if both of our hearts were straining, yearning, to be closer together. _

_ It was a sad, yet beautiful song.  _

_ Our song. _

_ Before I knew it, the PA system was announcing the boarding of passengers onto the flight to Sao Paulo from Tokyo. I clenched onto you one last time, breathing in your scent and listening to your hiccuping breaths as you recovered from your sobs. I didn’t want to let you go, you were so warm, Tooru. So warm, so safe, so familiar.  _

_ You were my home, you still are. I never wanted to leave you. _

_ And just like that, I let you go and it was time for you to pursue your dream. The only time I saw your face between that hug and when you left was when you pulled away, wiping your red-rimmed eyes with your sleeve. You gave me a real smirk, your signature lopsided one, and blew me a kiss. I pretended to catch it with my hand and I put my hand to my cheek, giving you a look and a smile that said, _

_ “Please don’t leave me.” _

_ “Goodbye, Iwa-chan.” _

_ And then you left. Not one glance back. You walked through the kiosk, up the stairs and never looked back. My heart shattered, completely and utterly broken. _

_ I don’t know how I got back to the car. My tears were blurring my vision so much and I couldn’t think clearly, all I thought about was your face as you pulled away from the hug. It was so bittersweet, so inevitable. Fuck, I’m tearing up again just thinking about it. _

_ When I got home, I collapsed. I threw my bags on the ground and I fell, broken, on our bed. The pillows still smelled like your shampoo and a hint of mint when I buried my head into them, and I soaked it through with my tears, at least I think I did.  _

_ Fuck, I miss you. I miss you so much, it hurts. I can’t even sleep without having your long, warm frame in my arms. I dread the time when the light shines through the window and you’re not beside me, blinking sleep out of your eyes that I love, and giving me that sleepy smile you always give me. It’ll only be a couple of hours before I experience that grief. I don’t want to experience it, Tooru. _

_ I just want you here, with me. Where you belong. _

_ I wonder what I’m supposed to do without you. How am I going to survive? What will I do without you? Who will I playfully insult and then shower with kisses everyday? Who will I love everyday, without you here? _

_ I wish we hadn’t broken up yesterday. I know we did it to avoid long-distance, but I regret it now. I think we could’ve made it work, if we both really wanted it. I think we could’ve. _

_ I miss you. I’m going to try to sleep, though I know it’ll be hard without you cuddled up beside me. _

_ Yours (forever and ever), _

_ Iwaizumi _

  
  


_ 18/08/20 _

_ Iwa-chan, _

_ Hi. _

_ I don’t really know what to write, but you did apparently.  _

_ Your letters were mailed to me the other day, supposedly by this new couple that found them in a box underneath our old bed. They had just moved in and were moving stuff around when they found this tattered cardboard box filled with love letters, every single one of them addressed to Oikawa Tooru. They didn’t know what to do with it, so they mailed it to me. _

_ You’d imagine the surprise I got when I woke up this morning to this big-ass parcel outside my door. And the even bigger surprise when I found all of these letters, letters written by you. Starting from one written today, but over 8 years ago.  _

_ I remember your confession, as clear as day. I’ve never forgotten it, Iwa-chan. I’ll never forget that nervous look on your face and the way you tripped over your words before spitting out that you liked me for a long time. I was shocked, to say the least. My best childhood friend had just admitted romantic feelings for me, and I wasn’t even sure if I liked boys. That’s why I rejected you and avoided you for so long. I was uncomfortable, I didn’t want to lead you on. Oh how hypocritical of me, right? I’d always liked girls, I’d never even thought about boys. _

_ Until Yahaba, that is. _

_ Yahaba was just an experiment. It pains me to degrade him like that, but he really was. I kissed him and dated him for the smallest amount of time to see if I really liked boys. When I realized I was officially bi, and that I loved you and only you, I broke it off with him. You know how it goes from there. _

_ I want to say a couple of things. For starters, I’m so sorry. The pain and confusion I caused you was immense and disgusting on my part. You never deserved that. You deserved all the love in the world, Iwa-chan. I just wasn’t the right person to give it to you at that moment. I will always be sorry for that because I hurt you. You’re the only person I care about and knowing I caused that pain and conflict hurts me. I’m so sorry. _

_ Another thing I want to say is that I don’t regret my time with you. I will never regret it for the rest of my life. Even if we aren’t together now, even if we haven’t seen each other in so many years, I will always cherish our time together in my heart. _

_ You hold a special place in my soul, Iwa-chan. You always have, and you always will. _

_ I still dream of you, almost every night. I dream of your sleeping face, the way your arms always tightened around me in your sleep. I dream of your soft kisses, the way you held my face so tentatively in your big, rough hands. But mostly, I dream of your smile. That rare, toothy smile you’d always give me whenever you’d laugh or whenever I’d catch you staring at me. I miss that smile so much. _

_ I miss you so much, Iwa-chan.  _

_ When I left you in the airport that day, it broke me. I didn’t look back because I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t leave for Brazil. I knew I’d run right back into your embrace, your safe, familiar hug. I’d run back to you, my home. _

_ I couldn’t do that. I had to go to Brazil. For my life, for my passion. _

_ It’s bitter, isn’t it? How life and work and an ocean separates us. It’s weird how things don’t work out, like us. I regret breaking up with you; I wish we did do long-distance too, because I know we would’ve made it work. Because we’re soulmates, we always have been.  _

_ But sometimes, two people who were meant for each other don’t stay together. It makes me wonder, were we really soulmates? Or just two people who happened to cross paths, who loved each other at the same time and with the same intensity? I wonder about it all the time. _

_ I haven’t spoken to you in years, I wonder how you’re doing. How’s being a sports trainer going? Is training the players for the olympics hard? Are you happy? _

_ Is there someone else in your life who makes you laugh like I used to? _

_ I always think of you, Iwa-chan. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop. Because you pushed me to be a better person, you made me realize who I really was. From being an amazing setter on our highschool team to realizing you were the one who I wanted to be with, forever.  _

_ I’ll never, ever forget how you made me feel, Iwaizumi. I’ll never forget your lessons, kisses, touches, words, and everything in between. I will always remember the way you claimed me, the way you grabbed a part of my soul and held tight. I’ll always remember you. _

_ Because, if I didn’t have you, I wouldn’t have experienced real love like ours. _

_ I love you Iwa-chan, so much. I’ll never stop. _

_ Always yours (forever and ever), _

_ Oikawa _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> And that's the end. It honestly took me a while to write this, and I already know I'm gonna be reposting it with grammar and punctuation edits. Oh well, only the best for you guys.
> 
> Fun fact: most of my fics are either based off songs or some lyrics from the song. The two songs I listened too and used for this fic is Freaks by Surf Curse (one of the lyrics is in here) and If I didn’t have you by Vista Kicks. Truly god tier songs, I love them. Go check them out to fully experience this emotional rollercoaster.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this, and if you cried or felt any sad emotion, I'm so sorry. Sometimes, angst is easiest for me to write, and I indulge in that feeling when I can.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated, thank you for checking out my story!!


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